Am I a prisoner?

Am I a prisoner?

Wondering about how I could correlate myself to anything like this but this is not just mere flash but I really gave it a good thought before writing it down. I am now working from last three years and to the entire time although I have got many desires but that’s not something which I am now looking forward in future. Rebel is my nature now and I don’t think I inherited this from any where from my surrounding but it as time passed by came as an inborn quality. How do you describe an imprisonment? One would say it’s a salvation period for the soul to overcome the shortcomings which had put you in this very circumstance. While in prison one is suppose to follow all the instructions given by the guards and wardens not following would lead you in trouble; they say it dark chamber where one is suppose to live alone. Whether you like it or not you have to follow them. This is how society treats the rebel who dared to walk across the line of fire which belongs to the law makers. After passing time of imprisonment when one comes out to the same society they refuses to accept the soul which they deliberately threw away for the purpose of salvation. But do this salvation and the time which kept the person out of the society does any good. Once a criminal always a criminal; this is the unwritten rule made by the hypocrite society which forms and alters rules as per their choice. This is how beautiful the real world is. They can at anytime make anyone a hero and the same person would be very next moment becomes the worst evil for the society. This is double standards for sure. Still I am puzzled as to why I am a prisoner; the reason is quite obvious: What all I have gone through in last three years and what life has for me in near future puts me on back foot and lets me think over it. It asks me question that what did I do in my last three years; followed all the instructions given to me; if I ever dared to object on any of them I was initially warned that I am crossing my line; my limits. I guess this is the treatment you would get when try to think from your own nut shell when you try to see why is in place of what they have been trying to show you. You dare not to say against them else you would be send to imprisonment let me correct myself in my case I would be thrown out without paying the gratitude for what all I have done for them in these three years. I guess things work in this way only; if you really want to raise your voice against someone you must take all the calculation of the consequences. I have learnt this in hard way as my first management lesson and this is how I describe end of my salvation period and shortly I’ll be free from my imprisonment and out in the jungle where I’ll have to start from scratch again. This was a tough time for me and I am glad that I learn to differentiate between right and wrong. The biggest of all learning is: only thing that will destroy you is “Sacrifice” and now I am not ready to sacrifice myself for anyone, anywhere, anyhow.

When it finally happened!!

What happened? I don’t know it; do you think you can guess? Well the answer is NO, no one can guess what happened cause even I am also in quite shock on what happened but it just happened ; in a flash when I lost all my logics and sophistication; became a real nerd….. Very funny, I couldn’t stop laughing on me when I think over what I did, and here it goes what happened that day:

Dated: 31st Jan 2007
Time: 9:30 PM

Let’s go back in time and then start the story; I came out of office as usual with full of thoughts and my next day list of action items. Today I also booked my tickets for home. When I got on to bus I never knew what I am going to do tonight which will going to be written in this way; but when it has to happen it just happened. I saw her getting on sitting in vicinity and then it struck me for the first time: that today is the day; as usual reading my guide “Atlas Shrugged” for the entire time seeing the traffic outside from the window and counting down the time left to reach home and then we were near the home getting off from the bus amusing by the number of people that day were left with us. It was only we two (Probably I was blind myself as I couldn’t see anything else). We almost started and walked together for long time but as my usual practice I didn’t even give a glare and was on the move but today it was the other day when I had to do the unthinkable so I didn’t lose my way this time as I did everyday when get an intimacy; heart started beating too fast as if I was about to get it on my mouth the very next moment. We were together and I got the first glimpse of those eyes, face which I wanted to see from such small distance from so long and so impulsively. I couldn’t gather enough courage to pour out my feeling even then but then just when I thought today is the same old story repeat; she stopped for a moment and I found my self standing stuck to the road as if all my consciousness, my active mind have got out of my control; the tsunami of the thoughts in my head and heart created greater chaos than it would have happened on 26th Dec 2004 when it struck my continent. I stood still staring at her with blank mind and choked heart. She did notice this time and was cautious in her moves but the decision for the day was already taken by the decision maker for the day and here I was on the crowded road, waiting her to pass by and when it happened I almost cried out her name, she with amusing expression looked back and I can assure that she must have expected something similar tonight when I stopped by. I hurried to her and asked for a moment. Yes and this is when I said to my self; it’s now or never; I insisted on to have a walking conversation with her and thankfully she agreed to it. First obvious question came to me was she didn’t know me; I am so good in giving my introduction to everyone I meet but today I was barely able to pronounce my name correctly. I poured my heart in front of her and then came the obvious and expected reply (I am saying obvious and expected because my active mind did tell me what’s the outcome); I am not going to mention that here. It’s really amazing what I wanted to say from months was said in a minute and with no effort I had spent hiding my feeling from so long.

This is my little love story with ended sadly on a sad note but I don’t regret to it the only thing that I regret is that I sacrificed my consciousness, my reason, my integrity and my invaluable self-esteem for the one reason which was worth of this all. I couldn’t have been a more happy person after all wining is not always the case but losing to the one you wanted to be a winner and this day I found my win in my loss. This loss is although can’t be backfilled by any other means but the bitterness that I have to sustain from so long; those anxious moment; those desperate effort to hide the emotions ; I guess this was worth having a go. I always heard that when it happen it just happen; this time I was witnessing and experiencing tonight through my own eyes and self but it was a total experience for the life time. That flash of moments went-by in a moment but in my heart registered an unscratched story which I will remember forever. The only hard feeling left is I made someone embarrassed for those moments. I feel truly, deeply sorry for her. May she get the best.


Disclaimer: It's a fiction.